adoringpast | ic inbox for recolle part deux;

[ Yeah, he should've given him a heads up probably. Sena actually has a social life sometimes and might have even been home, which would've made Mao coming here a huge waste of time, but also courtesy's not really at the top of his list of priorities right now. ]

We gotta talk. Can I come in?

[ Cheeky brats won't survive for long... It's entirely possible Sena will tell him to go away, but at least Mao got him to open the door. He's hoping the weight of his tone will convince Sena to at least hear him out. Or hear whatever is about to happen out. It all went very smoothly in Mao's head on the way over but now that he's here he's not so sure that's going to work. ]

[ mao actually sounds a lot serious this time. yet sena can't help but leer at him as he lets him inside the flat, closing the door behind him. it's more of a reflex than anything, but it still feels like mao is intruding on his private property and sena's just that overprotective about shit like that, childhood friends or no. ]

What's so important that you couldn't just talk to me about it on the phone? You're lucky I'm still here at home, you know.

[ Mao's not unaware of how protective Sena can be of his home but, well. He takes his shoes off and heads a little further in, stuffing his hands in his pockets and refusing to have this conversation in the foyer. He's here, he's committing to this, but he's too tensed up to just sit down. ]

I know. You could've been anywhere. [ He takes a deep breath and turns to face Sena, his tone stiff when he continues. ] You could've been visiting Makoto.

[ just hearing makoto's name from his mouth made him freeze for a hot second. does... does mao know?! about the whole niichan factor? his hands grow cold but he forces himself to move as he returns his look with an affronted glare. ]

Wh-What are you talking about?! Why would I even visit that brat? [ it's true; no matter how many memories sena could pick up about him, he'll always see makoto as a helpless brat who can never do anything right. ] Have you been talking to him? I know we added him in the chat but I've already told you not to talk too much to him. He's only going to be a bother.

[ Mao sees that small reaction and knows he hit home. It just makes him angrier, but then... then Sena adopts that disdainful tone and starts throwing names around. ]

He's not a brat! He's a good person who is really confused right now and I don't blame him. Anybody would be and he needs our help as much as anybody else in that chat.

[ It's familiar now after how many times he's played the memory over in his head but that doesn't make it hurt any less. He really wanted Sena to be some other way. Contrite, maybe, but considering how unlikely that always was, maybe at least honest. But no. ]

I talked to him before the live and he said he didn't understand why you treat him the way you do. Then... I was exploring the tunnels. I wasn't looking for him but he was down there, in the train, and I saw you in his memories and in mine, Izumi. And I think you know what we saw.

[ izumi. right, he hasn't told the others about his real name, has he? only keito and leo, and nazuna because of a memory. sena suddenly feels as if the world's falling apart underneath him, and he stumbles towards one of the plush chairs in the living room.

he stares up at mao, totally bewildered. mao's never been angry at him before despite all the shit sena dumps on him, and it kind of hurts a little tbh. ]

What memory? ...I've never remembered you in mine.

[ unless... there was a continuation?! ]

[ Mao stops, his hands on the back of Sena's sofa. He feels like he needs something between them right now. It's clear the name hit home but it's not making Sena talk, it's just making him ask more questions. Maybe it's for the best in that it's making Mao think a little more, but it's not what he was hoping for. He wants to get answers, not give them. ]

It was a night at the school. Makoto and I were there and you showed up. You were... [ Are you asking me to crush you under my foot, you insect? ♪ Mao shakes his head and looks down. ] You were horrible.

Why did you want me to stay away from Makoto? You said it was because he was a bother but he was never a bother to me. It was really important to you, though, so I never asked. So I'm asking now. Why?

[ right, it's a little more vivid now, that memory. he was so hyperfocused on makoto, saying all those horrid things, only to have the memory halt right there and didn't include mao conveniently.

this memory thing is getting on his nerves, but sena's not angry at that right now. just hearing mao say that he was horrible makes him feel defeated. he looks down on his lap in utter guilt, not knowing what to say to that until - ]

It was complicated. At the time before he appeared on the app, he was detriment to my current lifestyle and I wanted him out of my life as much as possible. I... didn't want you to get involved between us, so I kept all of that from you.

[ there were a lot of factors why sena's still so cold towards makoto, but in the end nothing has changed between them, has it?

so much for wanting to differ himself from izumi. ]

But that was all in the past, wasn't it? [ now he looks up at mao with calculating eyes as he attempts to gather up what's left of his dignity and build up a wall of aloofness that he's so famous for. even if it's with mao, but that hasn't changed between them, has it? sena doesn't seem to be as overinvested in mao in general but - ] Are you just going to hate me because of the things that happened in that world, Mao? After everything I've ever done for you?!

[ It wouldn't surprise Mao to know he wasn't included in that memory if only because it's pretty clear that in that life, he was nothing to Sena. Barely even registering as an obstacle to what he really wanted. That had hurt a lot; even trying to remind himself that that wasn't the Sena he knew, it was still the same voice, the same face. Just how far apart were they from each other in the end? ]

Before he was on the app I didn't even know he existed until you brought him up, but he was important to me. You had to know that, especially after I told you how much I kept remembering about him. He was your problem but he was my friend. You should've been honest with me.

[ He can't say with absolute certainty he'd've taken it any better, but he's sure he wouldn't have felt so betrayed. Mao can see the wall Sena's starting to build and that hurts too but he's not sure what else he expected to happen here. He frowns and shakes his head. ]

Of course not. You think I came all the way over here to tell you I hate you? I wouldn't have bothered if that's how I felt.

[ It'd be easier to just hate him but that's not even close. ]

But even if I'd told you sooner, would you still accept this? Still accept me for who I was and who I am till now?

[ it was easier to talk about this with goro, since they'd done worse in their memories, have acknowledged them and strive to become better people in spite of their pasts coming back to haunt them, but this is different. mao had seen him in his memories, seen how terrible he really was. mizuki wanted to believe that he and izumi are not the same -

but did mizuki even change? tried to separate himself from izumi? he's still a jackass even in this lifetime, so how's that any different from izumi?

he averts his eyes from mao, totally defeated. ]

Hating me would've been easier for the both of us. I'm used to it, even now. You don't have to take my side just because we practically grew up together.

Edited 2018-02-17 12:51 (UTC)

Yeah, well since when do I take the easy way through anything? [ It makes some stubborn part of him kick in, to hear that Sena's used to being hated. Of course Mao knows and has seen first hand how Sena alienates people but he'll be damned if he's going to go down without a fight. ]

I'm not taking your side. Even if I wanted to, would you let me? Hating you would be easier for you because you'd get to push me away some more but I'm not OK with that. If you really want to be different from that guy then do it. You know enough now what he's like. And... you know what? If you can't be different from him then take it out on me, not Makoto. He's starting a new life here too, he's doing his best, and he doesn't deserve it.

[ And he doesn't know if Makoto can bear it, but Mao won't say that. He's not sure he can either but he'll take the brunt of Sena's disdain if it'll keep him from pouring it onto Makoto. Maybe that'll be enough to keep Sena from going down that other road here, and if Mao can stop him from becoming that person he saw in his memory while also protecting Makoto, maybe, maybe it's worth what he'd lose in the process. He won't know until it's too late, will he? ]

[ sena knows that makoto doesn't deserve it, doesn't have to get the largest brunt of this entire ordeal just because sena doesn't know how to process feelings. but - ]

Why would you even suggest something like that?

[ his voice is incredulous, not believing what he'd just heard as he blinks owlishly at the younger boy. mao's a good kid, too good to have known sena for so long, yet sena just doesn't understand why he's willing to tag a lot of damage from him for makoto's sake. ]

I'd hurt you just as much. It's something that I can never change about myself nor Izumi. And it's not just Makoto, you know... I've hurt so many people; past, present, and most likely the future.

[ with anya still getting the worst end of the stick, which is why sena's been avoiding her nowadays while gently nudging tsukasa to befriend her. because what else can he really do anymore if his meanness is that hardwired into his system? ]

...And I don't want that to happen to you of all people.

[ Mao wasn't sure what he expected but somehow Sena's reaction still catches him off guard. He thought maybe sarcasm, more shutting down, not this. Sena's unequivocal acceptance of the things he's done makes Mao feel oddly guilty, like he shouldn't have added to that, but he has to remember that he didn't add to it, it was already there.

It still feels pretty shitty, though. ]

You can't change anything about Izumi but it's not like you can't change yourself. You can, and maybe... [ It seems stupid to say out loud, though not as stupid as it would have thirty seconds ago. ] Maybe if it's me you'll think harder about it instead of just going off, you know? The longer Makoto's around and the more you get to know him the weirder it's probably going to get. You're gonna have to do something and so am I. I can't just let this happen.

[ It's not entirely for Makoto's sake that he made the offer. If he needs to be the step Sena grinds down to really rise above his past self, well. Now that he's really seen what that past self could be like, how can Mao not want that for him? ]

[ it really is shitty, the mao was caught in the crossfire between these two. sena didn't want other people to get involved in something like this, but it's too late, and now he has to make it up to him and possibly to makoto as well.

and thus he stands up from his chair, wordlessly walks over to mao, and hugs him. hiding his face on the younger boy's shoulder.

yes, step by step. he knows now that he can never not be less pissy to people because it's just ingrained in him - something that's always consistent no matter what universe he lands in - but if mao's this willing to endure all that... ]

You're right. I need to do something. [ the image of anya crosses his mind. right. that's his top priority now. ] I still need to think more on it but... Thank you, Mao. For everything.

[ In spite of himself, Mao tenses a little when Sena stands. It's not like he expects him to come over and suddenly be Izumi, but he's not sure what to expect. Probably to be hustled out of the apartment, Sena refusing to endure any more pressure into vulnerability from him--

And then he's hugging him and Mao's genuinely surprised but not so surprised that he doesn't hug him back. Sena--Mizuki--is far from the most tactile person he knows so he knows this is serious and he's going to treat it that way. Izumi would never have done this and he's got to remember that, too.

He sighs and even reaches up to pat Sena's hair. It helps when he does it to Mao, after all, but it's also just familiar and maybe that'll help both of them. ]

Of course. But next time, just tell me, all right? So I'm prepared, but also... I can't help you if I don't know what's going on.

ic inbox for recolle part deux;

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